Monday, November 25, 2013

Grumpy Programmer Live Blog Spectacle

11:50
Okay, you sad sassy dipshits, here's the rundown:

I'm in this bullshit game design class this semester. I'm supposed to have a sparkling-cider-ass digital prototype of a game done tomorrow morning, 9:00 sharp. You need perspective? I'll give you some peanut-butter-shitting perspective - I haven't started, and it's 11:50 right now. 11:50 in the frackin' PM. It's supposed to be a group project. It's supposed to be an equal division of labor. Guess whose partner doesn't have any game design skills and didn't respond to his email  asking when to meet up to work on this piece of flaming spiraled ape shit?

Bloody hell like I've had time to get a headstart on this shit. Bullshit.Game design class.

You know what this means, right, you sewage guzzling skunk munchers? Yeah, that's right, it's the GRUMPY PROGRAMMER LIVE BLOG SPECTACLE. (Pricks).

Every 15 minute interval, you get an update on my progress, you privileged pompous bourgeois blowhard.

Maybe this will be entertaining, as you derive intense pleasure from documentation of my pain. Maybe it will just be sad. Actually, you know what? It'll probably just be frumpin' sad. You know why? Because I'm making a piss-wallowing game about a young woman who can repair elevators. Guess what you do in the game? Repair the motherfucking elevator. Press R to restart and repair it again in a different way! DO IT YOU CAPITALIST SLAVE.

Let's go.

12:15
WHAT THE GHOST-SNORTING-SNORLAX DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO HOLD CTRL AND SHIFT TO CREATE MULTIPLE OBJECTS IN THE ROOM AT ONCE IN THE NEW VERSION OF GAME MAKER. PUFF SHITTER.
I paid money for new software because I expected improvement. Literally feeling myself get arthritis is not an improvement.
Jesus Christ.

Thank god I can just rip old platformer game code from previous projects for this. Oh, did I forget to mention?
This isn't just a game in which you fix elevators.
It's a game in which you can fix elevators and  jump.

12:30
What the hell is my roommate watching? Did the sports announcer just say ninjitsu fight?
i wish i could watch two ninjitsus fight BUT NO I MUST WORK because SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT
Fucking ninjitsus. They're not all that cool.

Shit, is 64 pixels too great of a range within which the player can interact with the elevator? How close does one have to be to elevators to fix elevators? Judas Priest.

12:31
Yeah if anybody was wondering 64 pixels is too much distance.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

12:32
AND SO IS 48 IF YOU WERE ASKING

12:45
No my bad 48 is totally the right distance.
If you're trying to work on an elevator and you're more that 48 pixels away from the fucker you better put your fancy-ass elevator tools down and hightail it out of there before you hurt someone.

There used to be a strange joke about aunts here but I removed it because it was dum.


1:00
Guess whose game has an elevator that can detect bullshit?


It's on to you, pansy-farter.

1:15
Tahoma?!
Why the hell is Tahoma the default font?
Who the hell types in Tahoma?
What the fuck is a Tahoma?
I expected improvement. I didn't pay money to type in Tahoma in the built-in graphics editor.
Fucking ninjitsus.

1:30
Look, I hate it when humorists make self-referential, self-depricating humor or commentary. It's never funny, and it never helps. But in all honesty? This post has lost me any credibility I've ever had as a writer. I lost the credibility precisely when I wrote about the aunt dying in the elevator accident.
The proofreading and review processes are not by any means underrated. Make no mistake, this is an unfiltered vomit of words.

         I continue to write this for the slim chance of self redemption.

on another note sewage guzzling skunk muncher ha ha

1:45
You know, this is a lot like Ludum Dare or 7DFPS.
Except not fun, and if you fail to meet the deadline you lose your scholarship money.
That's sickening. What sick turn of fate this is.


Look, the game has choices in it now. And what meaningful choices they are.

I should work for kitten-huffin' Bioware.

What kind of sadistic elevator repair simulator is this. Jesus.

2:00
Oh shit.
I forgot to change the font from Tahoma.
Fuck me blind.

Should I just censor that moronic post about the aunt? I should probably do that.
Oh geeze.

I hope your computer's badass enough for this game, because it needs to run at a howling 60 frames per second.

2:15
Yeah, definitely censoring that stupid elevator crash with dead aunt joke. Geeze. Can't believe I wrote that shit.

Yeah that looks better.

Yeeaaaaah.

2:30
And now the game has exploding elevators.

I swear to god I'm being productive.

2:45
Now the game has bad guys.

This is going to be great for my portfolio.

I have a headache and my stomach hurts.

What am I doing.

3:00
You see, over the bad guy's head, it says, "bad guy".

Did you notice?

I noticed.

Wait a second, I'm almost done.

3:08
The game prototype's done. If you want to download it for some reason you can do it here:
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/89594581/Posthuman_Prototype.zip

It's a Windows build as usual. Not bad for three hour's work.

That... that was the
GRUMPY PROGRAMMER LIVE BLOG SPECTACLE. 

Never... never again...





6 comments:

  1. I am a comment

    -Anninymoose

    ReplyDelete
  2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwT702zhiRI

    ReplyDelete
  3. I only have time for one more update, make it count

    -Anninymoose

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for your support Anninymoose

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is glorious. I actually downloaded and played the prototype, too. It was really something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha thanks. And by thanks I mean LIGHTNING'D!

      Delete